Jokes (updated 22-Mar-2017)
(225)At a party, the lady of the house is going from guest to guest with tray in hand. Please have a piece of kaju-barfi. Thanks, I have already eaten four. In fact , you have eaten six, but please have one more.
(224)At a tea party, a guest can smell delicious pakoras on the table which the hostess has forgotten to serve him. He addresses her: Did I tell you about my visit to Africa last year? One late evening I was walking back to my hotel when I suddenly saw a snake on the road, It was very near. In fact, its distance could not have been more than the plate of pakoras. Oh, I am awfully sorry, I completely forgot about the pakoras. Please have some. Yes, you were telling us about the snake.
‘I stood there, but it did not move at all. Then I realized it was just a piece of rope.
(223)A school boy wrote a leave application to the headmaster: Sir, Kindly grant me leave for three weeks because I fell off the roof and broke my leg. Kindly do the same and oblige.
(222)A young man and woman are in live-in relationship. The girl tells the boy we should get married. Boy: My mother has been saying the same for a long time. She has even chosen agirl for me. As soon as you can find a suitable match, we can get married.
(221) A Martian goes to a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. The waiter goes and tells the manager who himself comes to meet the visitor: Sir, you are the first Martian I have ever seen. The Martian says: If you charge 150 rupees for a cup of coffee, who will come here?
(220) In the matriculation board examination of yesteryears, essay was an important part of English question paper. A number of guides were available which supplied ready-made essays on various topics. There was however no point in memorizing all of them. On the basis of question papers of previous years a guess was made about the possible essay topic in the coming exam. A boy thoroughly prepared an essay on My favourite leader, but to his bad luck the question paper wanted an essay on My best friend. Rising to the occasion, he began; ‘Pt Jawaharlal Nehru is my best friend’.
There is another example of similar ingenuity. Memorized essay was on A cricket match, but the paper said : write an essay on A train journey. We do not know how the examiner reacted but the written essay went like this. We bought the ticket and boarded the train. The train stopped at the next station because of engine trouble. We got down at the platform and started playing cricket.
(219) A man is on his deathbed. He calls his son and tells him: My time has come. Promise me that your deeds will be such that illuminate your father’s name. Saying this, the father died. The son now wondered how to bring glory to his father’s name because the father earned his living by opening up a grave, removing the shroud and selling it in the market. After deep deliberation, the son decided to continue the father’s profession but with a difference. He would remove the shroud and hang the dead body from a tree. Anyone who saw the sight exclaimed: See, how nice his father was. At least he left the corpse in the grave!
(218) This is a true story as reported in the press some 60 years ago. Officials conducting the 1951 census were going from door to door recording data. An oldish woman was home with her daughter-in-law while the son was at work. What does your son do? She told them. And then they asked: Does your daughter-in-law also have a profession? ( Kya aapki bahu bhi dhandha karti hai?) In the lady’s frame of reference there was only one profession associated with women. She became furious, shouted at the officials: Your daughters and sisters would be doing dhanda. This is a respectable household. Now get out.
(217) Once I told a friend about an insightful quotae: ‘History records the names of royal bastards, but cannot tell us the origin of wheat’. He wanted to know the details. I said: I have used it in my writing. I can locate it for you if you wish. He said : That may not be necessary. Let me first google ‘Kochhar bastard’ and see if I can reach it.
(216) Some years ago I was travelling from London to Delhi. The English woman sitting next to me said she was a painter and regularly spent winter months in Kullu. Since it was Christmas time, drinks were free in the flight. When the air hostess brought wine, the neighbor said she already had drunk enough. Saying this, she picked up the wine glass. I said: that is ok, as long as you do not get up and start walking up and down the aisle.
She said: I did that last time.
I then improvised: That would be ok as long as you do not try to open the emergency door. ‘Last time, I did that also.’
(214) Father to son: Now that you have joined the college, promise me that you would finish the course in time no matter how long it takes.
(213) As two friends get down from the train, they come face to face with a ticket checker. Suddenly, one of them turns and starts running. The ticket checker runs after him, catches with him and demands to see the ticket. The man takes out his ticket and hands it over to the checker.
If you had the ticket, why did you run?
My friend did not have the ticket.
(212) Twin boys are in the same class. As part of home work they are asked to write an essay on My Pet. One of them writes the composition; the other copies it; and both hand over their assignment to the teacher.
Your essay is identical, she says.
Of course it is. We have the same pet.
(211) Two girls went to the library for registration. The librarian noticed that the two had the same address as well as date of birth.’ Are you twins? she asked.
We are two of a triplet.
(210) This is a true story. 100th death anniversary of Mirza Ghalib was commemorated in a big way in India in 1969.Sohrab Modi’s Mirza Ghalib was our introduction to Ghalib and Urdu poetry in general. We followed it up by borrowing bookson Urdu poetry, in Devanagari script, from the University library. An important work was Ayodhya Prasad Goyaliya’s Sher-o=
(209) A young man joins as a salesman. One day his work brings him to a person who is a sales manager in some big company. The sales man says: Our company has launched this useful product. Would you like to buy it?
No, I do not think so.
OK, Sir. Thank you.
As the young man prepares to depart, Manager stops him: You know, I started my career as a sales man. This is not how a sales man should conduct himself. You have to insist. You must be persuasive. You should have a strategy. Blah blah blah. Do you understand? Yes, Sir. Good, now to encourage you I will buy your product. As the young man nears the exit, he turns towards the Sales Manager: I already knew what you told me. In fact. This is the strategy I use with Sales Managers.
(208) Curiously, the most ordered Indian dish in Britain is Chicken Tikka Masala, which was unknown in India. Similarly, the most ordered Chinesedish in Indian restaurants is Chicken Manchurian which is unknown in China.
(207) A man goes out of town for business after telling his wife he would be back on Monday. He however finishes his work early and sends his wife a telegram saying he would return on Friday itself. On return as he nears his house he can see through the window that his wife is entertaining a guest. He immediately turns and goes to his father-in-law’s house and tells him that he cannot tolerate this and is going to divorce his wife. The father-in-law says: There must be an explanation for this. You just wait here while I go and find out. After a while father-in-law returns: I told you there had to be a reason. She did not get your telegram.
(206) This is a true story from many years ago. An exasperated mother tells her little son: If you trouble me that much I will leave all of you and go away. The boy is thrilled: Mummy, in that case, every day we will eat in papa’s office canteen.
The following are true stories.
(205) When Pratap Singh Kairon was the chief minister of Punjab, he was under constant attack from his opponents for his autocratic style of functioning, dubbed Kairon-shahi. Once his detractors blocked his passage while shouting: Kairon-shahi nahi chalegi [ Kairon-shahi will not work]. Characteristically, he told them to the effect: Jab nahin chalegi tab nahin chalegi; abhi to chal rahi hai [ It won’t work when it won’t work. NOW it is working], and drove off.
(204) Later, Kairon became the role model for Haryana chief minister Bansi Lal. Once he was greeted with black flags by his opponents. Bansi Lal’s reply in Haryanvi was to the effect: My mother used to wear a seven-yard ghagra. I came out of that. Do you think your these small flaglets can stop me? And he drove off.
(203) When I was in high school, my father gravely told me that school maths was easy. Mathematics really got tough in college. You will have to learn trigonometry. Then he reeled off a formula: sine squared theta plus cosine squared theta equals one. I felt suitably intimidated.
Some three decades later I was within earshot when my father was talking to a friend: He was saying: I was very poor in maths and really scared of trigonometry. The only thing I ever learnt was sine squared theta plus cosine squared theta equals one. This by the way is the very first formula you learn in a course on trigonometry.
(202) This true story about my father reached me not from within the family but from class-fellows.
A friend came to my house looking for me. My father told him I was not home.
Where is he?
Does your father know you are here?
(201) Friends are chatting in a pub when one of them says: I read in a magazine that women whose eyes are brown are unfaithful. A man said: what is the colour of my wife’s eyes? I must go and check.
He comes home to find his wife asleep. He opens her eye and exclaims: Brown! A man comes out from under the bed and says: How did you know my name?
(200) A miserly man is repairing the kitchen roof when suddenly he slips. While falling down, he shouts to his wife: Cook only for yourself. I will be eating at the hospital.
(199) Boss to Lady Secretary: Just because I have taken you out on couple of weekends who gave you the idea that you do not have to do any work in the office?
(198) What is the difference between a man’s own wife and his friend’s wife? Here is an original scenario.
Wife says: Shillong is the capital of Assam, isn’t it?
Man’s response: How many times have I told you to read newspapers or watch some sensible channels. You waste all your time watching stupid serials and insist on making fool of yourself.
Friend’s wife says; London is the capital of France, isn’t it?
Man shifts to a chair next to Friend’s wife and says: Nahin Bhabhi Ji. Let me explain……
(197) A man goes to the doctor much after dog-bite. The doctor says: I am sorry, but is very late now. You are going to get rabies.
Could you please give me paper and pen?
Do you want to write your will.
No, I want to prepare a list of the people I am going to bite.
(196) A man takes his son to the zoo. The boy becomes very serious in front of the tiger’s cage.
Are you feeling scared, my son.
No Papa, I was thinking if the tiger eats you, how will I go home.
(195) A King appointed a Royal Economist. Is he any good, the King was asked. No, I don’t think so.
Then why did you appoint him?
The King said: When I ask economists a question, they give a long explanation. When I am on the verge of being convinced, they say: ‘But, on the other hand…. ‘. This particular economist is not going to say that , because he is one-armed.
(194) A King wished to appoint a Royal Astrologer. He put up an advertisement saying that anyone who according to his horoscope is destined to become the Royal Astrologer should come and join. To his surprise five people showed up. He then consulted his Prime Minister: ‘ I expected only one person to show up , but there are five. What should I do now?’
The Prime Minister said: You appoint any one of them. Whosoever is appointed will have his prophesy proved right’
(193) A man tells his four-year old son : Very soon Stork is going to visit your Mummy.
I hope he does not frighten her. She is pregnant, you know.
(192) I was teaching bicycling to my little daughter. I say: Papa does not like running after your bike. She: Papa, if you were a dog, you would have enjoyed it.
(191) A rich man is scheduled to take the morning train for an important business trip. His night watchman comes up to him and say: sir do not travel in this train. I had a dream at night that the train met with an accident.
The man cancels his ticket. A few hours later the news arrives that the train has derailed. He calls the night watchman and hands him 1000 rupees as a reward for saving his life.
Next the rich man hands over a month’s salary to the night watchman saying you are dismissed from service right away.
Sir, but why?
You have been hired to keep watch the whole night. Obviously you sleep during your duty hours.
(190) A child wrote in his school composition.
The old man slept at night and woke up dead.
(189) An earthen pitcher and a brass pitcher are floating in a flooded river. Earthen pitcher is trembling with fear.
Brass pitcher says: Why do you worry? I am with you.
Earthen pitcher: That is precisely why I am worried.
(188) This is a true story. Two Punjabi women were talking about the possibility of matrimonial alliance between their children. Girl’s mother asks the boy’s mother: How is the ‘colour’ of the boy?
In girls, it would be called dark, but for boys it is ok.
(187) This is a true story. A small girl named Kim is watching the fish in the school pond, with a biscuit in her hand. She asks the senior girl standing next to her: Do fish eat biscuits? Yes, they do. Little Kim could not muster enough courage to feed the fish herself. So she asks the senior girl to do so. Then she says: Tell the fish Kim gave the biscuit.
(186) An old Laurel and Hardy joke:
This plant belongs to the Petunia family.
Oh the family has gone on vacation and left the plant with you.
(185) A man goes on an official tour. There he accompanies his friends to a church. During the sermon, Father says with a twinkle in his eyes: “ You know, some of the best moments of my life have been spent in the arms of another man’s wife. After a pause he adds: My mother. There is a loud laughter.
On return, the man tries it on his wife:
Do you know I have spent some of the best moments of my life in the arms of another man’s wife.
O my God, who is she?
The man racks his brain and then gives up: You know, it was many days ago. I have now forgotten who she was.
(184) I once met a boy who told me that while coming back from school he saw a dead rat.
How do you know he was dead; he might just be sleeping. No, the boy said firmly. He was completely dead.
(183) A German professor was invited to England to give a research seminar. Without realizing he started speaking in German. Half-way through, he caught himself, switched to English and said: You should have told me earlier.
Somebody from the audience says: What difference would it have made?
(182) A pompous young man goes to an office and starts throwing his weight around:
Do you know whose son I am?
Not exactly, but I have heard some rumours.
(181) A Sahib has gone on an official tour. Late evening he fell into a deep well. Fortunately his Chaprasi was nearby. With great difficulty he pulled Sahib out.
Sahib: You have saved my life. You can ask for any favour.
Chaprasi keeps quiet.
Don’t feel shy. Ask for whatever you wish.
Chaprasi :Please Sir when we go back to office don’t tell anybody that I saved your life.
(180) Children are being taught addition and subtraction in the class room. Teacher says to aboy:
Suppose you put four toffees in your one pocket and four in the other, how many toffees will you have.
No Ma’am. One of the pockets is torn.
(179) An emperor goes to the slave market to buy a slave. He comes across one who looks exactly like him. The Emperor asks: Did your mother work in the Royal Household. No, Sir. My father did.
(178) Two peahens are taking coffee I a cafeteria. A peacock is sitting at a nearby table. One of the peahens is looking at him. The other peahen tells her: Do not encourage him.
(177) Man tells his wife: Today a new secretary has joined our office. She is really like a doll.
Their little daughter interjects: Papa, when you put her on the sofa does she close her eyes like my doll?
(176) A successful marketing manager meets his school-day friend who is now a writer.
Last time we met you were writing a novel. Has it been published?
It has been published but is not selling well.
Let me see what I can do. Tell me about it.
A few months later, manager phones the writer.
The writer says sales have indeed picked up. How did you manage that?
O, I put a matrimonial ad saying that a 28 year old millionaire bachelor is looking for a suitable match. Must be like the heroine in such-and-such novel.
(175) A gangster drops in to meet his childhood friend who runs a bar.
I see lot of people here. You must be doing well.
Not really. People come in all right, but hardly order anything.
Gangster stands up and shouts: hi, I am Johnnie. When Johnnie drinks everybody drinks.
People laugh and pick up their drinks.
Johnnie again stands up and shouts: When Johnie drinks everybody drinks.
After a couple of rounds, Johnnie stands up and fires in the air:
When Johnnie pays everybody pays.
(174) Here is an innocent joke. Two boys are talking. One says: I have a very strong feeling that tomorrow I will become the President of India.
Because I am not resigning.
(173) Teacher to student: This time your home work is excellent. You have got all the answers right.
Ma’am, my papa is on tour; I did the homework myself.
(172) A man walks to a stall, in a big crowded department store, where there is a very pretty girl behind the counter. She asks him:
Sir, how can I help you?
Just let me stay here for a few minutes. I have been looking for my wife but cannot locate her. As soon as she sees me talking to a pretty girl, she will come over.
(171) A man spent his entire youth establishing his business which was now flourishing. It was being looked after by his son who lived in the interior while the old man, his wife and daughter-in-law lived comfortably in the metropolis.
One day the old man come back home and tells his wife:
I heard our daughter-in-law is having an affair with the chauffer.
There is no affair. It is just physical.
You already know?
Why did you not tell me?
Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi.
(170) This is a true story. Many decades ago, when I had just learnt car driving I was taking out the car from the parking lot for a right turn. I told my school going daughter: You remember last time when I came out I took a very big right turn, and a passing driver said Stupid.
No papa, he did not say stupid. He said Bastard.
(169) An Englishman files a suit for divorce. His own lawyer is interrogating him.
One late evening when you returned home what did you find?
My wife was lying down in the bed. What did you do ? I took off my coat and opened the cupboard.
What did you find?
There was a man standing there.
And this caused you great mental anguish?
Indeed, it did. There was no place to hang the damn coat.
(168) Two nuns learnt driving. When finally they decided to take the car out, one tells the other: You drive and I will pray. The other says: Why? Don’t you trust my praying?
(167) Maneka Gandhi launches a harangue at a school asking the children to do whatever they can to save trees. Then she asks the audience: Tell me, has anyone of you done anything for the trees.
A little boy raises his hand: Ma’am, once I killed a woodpecker with a slingshot.
(166) A man asks his friend: Where were you yesterday?
I went to see the movie Shaheed Bhagat Singh. A very touching movie. When he is hanged, the scene brings tears in your eyes.
I was also planning to see the movie. You have spoilt the fun by disclosing the end.
(165) This is a real story from half a century ago.
A group of students from Punjab went on an all India educational tour. When the train halted at a small far-off station, the group got down and ordered ten glasses of cane juice. The seller looked at the young men and asked politely: Are the Sahib loag from Punjab.
The young men filled their lungs with air and replied with a great sense of pride: Yes indeed we are from Punjab.
In that case, please pay in advance.
(164) A non-Punjabi admonishes his two Punjabi friends: All the time you are talking about whisky and chicken. Why cannot you take some interest in literature and other cultural activities?
You are right. Let us know when an occasion arises.
Occasion has arisen. I am on my way to a seminar on Munshi Prem Chand which is being attended by many eminent scholars.
At the seminar, scholars are saying: Prem Chand sees a landless labourer and feels his pain. He comes across a small farmer under huge debt and writes. He sees a child widow and thinks.
P-1 interjects: Yesterday when I was going by bus no 175 to Bus Stand, I saw Prem Chand. He looked quite sad. Every one bursts out laughing.
On way back home, P-2 tells his friend: You always talk without thinking and make a fool of yourself. Don’t you know that bus 175 does not go to Bus Stand but to Railway Station. Every one was laughing at you.
(163) Two friends are walking down the road when they come to a cinema hall showing an English movie called The Optimist.
One tells the other: The movie will not do well commercially.
Why do you say that?
You and I are intellectuals. We know the movie is about an eye surgeon. But how would a common man know?
(162) A decade ago, in Delhi, I met a Hungarian lady who was a Sanskrit Professor and had been to India many times. Her husband was a professor of Iranian. While she came to India he chose to go to Iran.
She told me: This time I seduced him into coming with me.
May be what she meant was induced, but given the context, seduced was not quite wrong
(161) A brash young man asks an old woman: How do you pass time? I bet you talk to your plants.
Not anymore. I used to. But now I have given full powers to the General Managers.
(160) A patient goes to a doctor. The doctor asks him: Did you consult anybody before coming here.
Yes Sir. My chemist.
You went to a chemist. And what stupid advice did he give you?
Sir, he asked me to see you.
(159) Here is an original joke. Those familiar with the typical dialogues of Hindi films of yesteryears will be able to appreciate it more.
Son comes with a girl and addresses his father: This is Bela. The cruel world has forced her to sell her honour. But her heart is as poor as River Ganga. I want to marry her. Please give us your blessings.
Father says: If you have decided to get married, you have my blessings. But I do have a question for you: How did you come across her in the first place?
(158) Using his freedom of movement, the Jester enters the King’s room and sees him in front of the looking glass. Jester walks up to him and slaps him on the buttocks. A furious King orders the Jester’s execution. Relenting a little, he tells the Jester your life can be spared if you can explain your action.
The Jester says: Your Majesty, I did not know it was you. I thought it was the Queen.
(157) A King got so fed up of his Jester’s puns that he ordered the latter be hanged. A little later,he relented a little and offered: If you promise not to pun any more, your life will be spared. The Jester said: No noose is good news.
And he was hanged.
(156) Husband is fuming in the bedroom while his wife is engaged in animated conversation with the neighbourhood gossip. Unable to bear it any longer, he shouts: Hasn’t that monstrous woman gone? With remarkable presence of mind, she replies: She left long ago. Now we have Mrs Sharma.
(155) An eye witness to an accident is being cross-examined.
Did you see the accident? Yes, sir.
How far were you from the site?
18 feet and 8 inches.
How can you be so precise?
I knew some idiot would ask me this question. So the next day I went there with a measuring tape and noted the distance.
(154) A pick pocket is arrested and brought before the magistrate. The magistrate admonishes him: During the last ten years, you have been here eight times. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself.
Sir, if you have not been promoted in ten years it is not my fault.
(153) A minister has been invited to inaugurate the new block in a Lunatic Asylum. From there he tries to contact his office on phone but cannot go beyond the telephone exchange.
Very pompously, he says: Do you know who I am.
The telephone operator says: No, but I know from where you are speaking.
(152) Two little boys are talking. One says: My brother is better than yours. No, my brother is better.
My sister is better than yours. No, my sister is better.
My mummy is better than yours. Yes, my papa also says so.
(151) An academic was invited to deliver a lecture at a college. After the lecture he was offered an honorarium of 25 rupees. Not impressed by the quantum of the amount he politely declined. Sir, with your permission can we transfer the amount to our Special Fund. Most certainly; by the way what is the fund for?
Sir, we hope to raise sufficient money to be able to invite a good speaker the next year.
(150) A school girl asks her teacher a riddle: Five ants are going in a line. The first one says there are four ants behind me. The last one says there are four ants in front of me. The ant in the middle says there are three ants in front of me.
Teacher scratches her head for quite some time but then gives up: I don’t know the answer.
The school girl says: The ant in the middle does not know how to count.
(149) An idealist young man calls on a hard-boiled rich man: Sir, I want to marry your daughter. I am truly in love with her. I do not care for your money.
The rich man says: Get out. I do not want idiots in my family.
(148) A painter has a studio on the top floor. He hires a pretty girl to model for him. One day he tells the girl: Today I am not in a mood to paint. Why don’t you make tea? We can chat. Suddenly he hears footsteps.
Oh my God! My wife has come. Take off your clothes and sit on the stool.
(147) Heaven has three distinguished visitors in succession. Jagjivan Ram, Swarn Singh, and Indira Gandhi. When Jagjivan Ram enters, God asks him: what would you like to drink?
A glass of beer would be fine.
God goes to the kitchen and brings beer.
Next comes Swarn Singh who wants a glass of lassi. God goes to the kitchen and fetches lassi.
Next Indira Gandhi is ushered in. What would you like to have? A glass of water please.
God tells her: Go straight. There is a water cooler to the right.
God’s secretary says: What is this, Sir? In the case of the two gentlemen you went yourself. But in her case you ask her to get it herself.
You do not know her. If I go, she would sit in the chair and would not get up.
(146) At a party, a man walks up to the Prime Minister and greets him reverentially. Very graciously, the Prime Minister greets him back and asks politely:
What do you do?
Sir, I am a minister in your Cabinet.
Here are some original jokes.
(145) Those who know Delhi know how obsessed it is with hieracrchy.
Two typical examples of officialdom are talking.
One: Did you get the news So-and So has won the Nobel Prize.
Other: Is he still in the Additional Secretary’s grade or has he got the Secretary’s?
(144) A woman receives a phone call:
I am speaking from the Swedish Academy. You usband has been awarded the Noble Prize.
Why has he been given the Nobel Prize? Every day he leaves the wet towel on the bed.
(143) Rainy season has begun and a young man catches cold, develops cough and runs high fever. He gets into his car and is driving to the doctor’s. He sees a man of his age bicycling in the opposite direction and whistling a song. The man in the car thinks: How lucky this man is. Such good health and so playful.
The man on the bicycle is thinking; How lucky this bastard is. He is not worried about getting wet in the rain and has a car to take him wherever he wants to go.
(142) A man and his wife are driving back home after dinner at a restaurant. The wife is complaining:
Soup tasted like dish water. There was too much salt in the chicken curry and very little chicken. Tandoori rotis were all cold. Why cannot you for once take me to a decent place?
Husband looking out of the car window spots a man and wife sitting on a bench in front of a rehri and eating kulchey-chholey. How lucky they are, he says to himself. He cannot possibly hear the monologue going on the bench.
Every time we go out you bring me to a rehri or a khoka. Why cannot you for once take me to a restaurant?
(141) At a party a rather rich man asks a young man: What do you do?
I am a painter.
That is good. In fact I am looking for someone who would paint the walls of my house this week end. I will give him 500 dollars.
You don’t understand. I am painter like Michelangelo.
What does that mean? The painter’s wife not willing to let go the $500 opportunity interjects: He means he will paint the ceiling also.
(140) This is a real story.
Three-year old son of our house maid takes great liberties with me. He came running bare foot and climbed on the bed. Suddenly he remembered my insistence on his wearing chappals. He climbed down, ran to the other room and returned with chappals in his hand. He dumped them on the ground and climbed back on the bed.
(139) This is a true story. I met a schoolboy who told me he was the captain of the school cricket team.
Are you a batsman or a bowler?
Actually I am a batsman. But since I am the captain, I bowl also. And then he added:
I am a very expensive bowler.
(138) A boy asks his father: Papa, am I fat?
No, son, you are not fat.
Papa, am I ugly?
No son, you are not.
Papa, do I look like a buffalo?
No son, you don’t.
Papa, then why does everybody tell me I look like you?
(137) This I believe is a true story. Sir Feroze Khan Noon who later served as Pakistan Prime Minister married twice. His first wife was from the subcontinent while the second wife much younger to him was European. He was accompanied by both his wives to a formal function. He introduced his European wife as Mrs Noon and then his older wife, as Mrs Afternoon xxzz
(136) What is your name?
Speak in full sentence.
My name is Om Prakash.
My name is Sir Om Prakash.
(135) One late evening a man is driving on a highway when a tyre gets punctured. When he decides to change the tyre he discovers that he has left the jack behind. He sees light in a distant house and decides to ask for help. While walking, he tries to imagine how things will pay out.
I will tell him I need to change the tyre but I do not have the jack. The man would say: What a stupid thing to do. You are travelling alone at night and you do not carry the jack.
I will tell him: These things do happen. He will say: They should not happen. You get into trouble and then you bother others.
Imagining thus, he finally reaches the house and rings the bell. The owner appears at the door and asks: Yes? The man already worked up blurts out: Why the bloody hell cannot you give me the jack? The door is slammed shut right in his face.
(134) Two old men are sitting on a bench in a park. One says: How pleasant do the temple bells sound?
The other says: Please speak louder. The damn temple bells are making so much noise that I cannot hear anything.
(133) This is an imaginary scenario.
A politician is jailed for embezzlement of 100 crore rupees. After a few weeks his wife calls a meeting of their grown-up sons.
She says: I have spoken to a famous lawyer. He says bail can be arranged but it would cost five crore rupees. The sons tell their mother. Father is being well looked after in the jail. Also, he hardly has anything to do at home. Why waste five crores?
(132) A young man tells his senior colleague that he cannot sleep at night.
You should take a sleeping tablet.
I do not want to . I hear they are habit forming.
Nonsense. I have been taking them for the past 20 years. They have not formed any habit in me.
(131) A man goes to the doctor and says that he is suffering from inferiority complex. Doctor examines him thoroughly and declares.
You are not suffering from any inferiority complex. You ARE inferior.
(130) A man goes to the doctor and says that he is very fond of gulab-jamuns. Doctor says there is nothing wrong in this. I myself like gulab-jamuns. ‘Doctor, you must come home sometime. I have 50000 gulab-jamuns.
(129) This is a real story about a highschool boy, Krishna. I asked him: If I mention your name to your ma’am will she know you? Yes. If I ask her how Krishna is, what would she say? She will say Krishna is an intelligent boy but does not do the homework.
(128) This is a true story. I once met a school boy who told me he was the captain of the school cricket team. Are you a bowler or a batsman? I am a batsman, but since I am the Captain I do bowling also. Then he added: I am a very expensive bowler.
(127) A very senior golf player sees a funeral procession and temporarily stops the game. He takes off his cap, holds it in his hand and keeps the head down till the procession has passed.
The younger member says: Sir I really appreciate your courtesy.
This is the least I could do. Another two weeks and we would have been married fifty years.
(126) A brash young man meets and old lady and wants to know how she spends her time.
I do this and that; nothing very particular.
I can bet you spend all your time talking to the plants.
I used to, but not anymore. Now I have given full powers to the Plant Managers.
(125) This is a true story. Many Pay Commissions ago when I was a middle-level research scientists newspapers were full of memoranda by various lobbies: IAS officers demand higher salaries; CSIR scientists demand higher salaries, and so on.
My school going daughter asks me: Papa will you ask for a higher salary. I said: No. As it is I think I am getting more than what I deserve.
She thought for a while and said: Yes Papa, I also think so.
(124) This a true story from the time when Choli ke peechhey kya hai, Chunri ke neechey kya hai was an extremely popular song. I took a nicker-tee shirt for my young nephew when I called on his family. He immediately removed his old shirt and put on the new tee-shirt. He then pulled up the new nicker on the old.
Then he tells his grand mother: Mata Ji, do you know nicker ke neechey kya hai.
The grand ma was scandalized. What are you talking.
Nahin, Mata Ji, nicker ke neechey doosri nicker hai.
(123) A small boy tells his friend: My uncle was very ill. Last week he saw a doctor who told him to walk 10 km every day.
How is your Uncle now?
He is fine. This morning we got a phone call from him. He has reached Ambala.
(122) a man come home and finds a man sleeping on the bed. He opens the cupboard and finds his wife there.
Can’t you do anything right. You should be in the bed and the man in the cupboard.
(121) A working daughter-in-law comes home from office and excitedly tells her mother-in-law:
I have won one lakh rupees in lottery. Mother-in-law says:
Every day you take money from me for the bus fare. Where from did you get money to buy the ticket?
(120) A young man gets admission in mechanical engineering. When he comes home during vacation, his father asks him: I hear engineering studies are very difficult. Yes, they are.
What is the most difficult thing you have learnt so far.
Opening a beer bottle with a rupee coin.
(119) Akbar-Birbal revisited.
Akbar had such a bad day at office that he did not get time even to eat. At the end of day, he demanded to know who was the manhoos (inauspicious) man whose face he had seen the first thing in the morning. The butler explained: ‘Sir, you had ordered that you had to leave early in the morning. So, I asked this boy to sleep in the kitchen so that he could give you bed tea. Akbar ordered: Hang this boy.
Birbal intervened: Sir, there is no doubt this boy is manhoos. You saw him in the morning and had to go hungry the whole day. But he saw your face in the morning and is losing his life. Who is more manhoos?
Akbar ordered: Release that boy. He then added: Hang Birbal instead.
Birbal now had second thoughts: Sir, come to think of it, the boy would have pruned himself before making an appearance before Your Majesty. He must have looked at himself in the mirror. You saw him and had to go without food. He saw himself and is being hanged. He is truly manhoos.
(118) A young man tells his girl friend: These days I am reading a book which says that zodiacal sign should be determined not from the time of birth but time of conception. Under what sign were you conceived?
The girl blushes and replies: ‘Keep off the grass’.
(117) A boy comes home with a ten-rupee coin.
Father asks: Where did you get it?
I found it on the road.
Are you sure you found it and did not steal it.
No, Papa, I did find it. See through the window. The man is still searching for it.
(116) There was a little boy whom everybody took to be the village idiot. A number of youngsters would assemble, place a ten-paisa coin in one hand and a rupee note in the other and ask the boy to make a choice. He invariably chose the coin, much to the mirth of everybody.
One day, a kind-hearted person tried to educate him:
That piece of paper is a rupee, much bigger than the coin. The boy replies: I know. The day I pick up the currency note you will stop the game.
(115) A tourist was visiting a small town where he lost his dog. He went to the local newspaper and inserted an ad saying that anyone who brought the dog back would be given a reward of 5000 rupees. The next day when he went to the newspaper office for checking, he found it locked. He asked the neighbor as to why the office was closed.
They have all gone looking for your dog.
(114) This is a true story.
Some years ago I met a young computer engineer who had obtained his BTech from a very good national engineering college and climber up the hierarchical ladder in three years’ time. He narrated this incident about himself.
He was selected by a Company while on campus itself. During the interview, the HR expert asked the ubiquitous question: Why do you want to join our Company? The bright brash young man shot back: I don’t want to join your Company. I did not apply. You selected me.
Of course, they hired him.
(113) A man goes to a restaurant and has a nice meal. When the waiter brings the bill, he asks for the manager. He asks the Manager: Do you remember I came here last month and had no money. You cursed me, abused me, and threw mw out from the back door?
Yeah, I remember.
Please do the same now also.
(112) This is a true story
Once a young man called on me with a request. I said I am afraid this would not be possible. He was very understanding.
Sir, you have tried. If still it has not worked, there is no reason for you to be afraid.
(111) A man leaves home early morning to go fishing but has not caught anything till the evening. Afraid that his wife would taunt him, he decides to buy fish from the market on his way back. As he enters the shop, he is greeted warmly by the owner:
I was waiting for you. Your wife ordered some fish on phone. She said you would be stopping over and I should give the packet to you.
(110) A man looks enviously at a boy who has a very big fish in his basket. Where did you catch it?
Go straight. You will come a small gate with the sign Private Property. Go in. You will come to a pond with a sign board saying Fishing strictly prohibited. I caught it there.
(109) This is a true story.
Some years ago I visited an Italian university in the rural area for a conference. In the evening we assembled in the hotel lounge on an invitation by the organizing professor. He asks me: Are you an alcoholic. After some thought I said: yes. He wanted to know whether I would take wine.
(108) A school boy volunteers to take a houseguest on the city tour. At the natural history museum, he points towards a fossil and says: Uncle this fossil is five million and three years old.
How do you know?
We came here three years ago and our teacher said this fossil was five million years old.
(107) Lawyer to Judge: Your Honour, I would like to reopen the case because some new evidence has come to light.
What is the nature of evidence?
Your Honour, I had thought that all the properties of my client have been sold off, but I have come to know that he still has a bungalow in DehraDun.
(106) Here is a true anecdote.
I asked a little girl what would she like to be when she is older. School ma’am
What would you teach?
(105) Here is an OJ (original joke)
An Innocent Politician is travelling to Patna. He reads in the news paper that Supreme Court has announced the sentence for Nitish Kataria’s killers.
IP meets the Chief Minister, Mr Nitish Kumar. By way of opening remarks he says:
Sir I am glad your killers have been sentenced.
Here is a true story.
(104) Many decades ago I was visiting Chandigarh from Bangalore. Before taking the night bus to Delhi, I called on a family whose dog bit me on the ankle. As soon as I reached Bangalore I rushed to the hospital. I told the doctor I was bitten by a dog.
Where on the BODY?
(103) Three men met after death and were describing how they died.
One said: I was working late at office when I got an anonymous call saying that my wife had a visitor. I rushed home. My wife was asleep and there was nobody in the house. When I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running. There was a drum lying in the balcony which I rolled down. Unfortunately I slipped and fell down.
Second man says: Every evening I used to go for jogging in my block. One day, something hit me on the head and I died.
The both now turned towards the third man and asked him. He said: I was in that drum.
(102) A man on return to his apartment one evening tells his wife:
The security guard of our building says he has made love to all women in this building except for one.
The wife becomes deeply thoughtful. After some time she says:
That must be the fat woman who lives on the top floor.
(101) We are living in unthinking times.
* A film star dies after prolonged illness. Since he was from the films, on-line newspapers publish the news under the heading Entertainment.
* You tell a friend. While walking up to your house I narrowly escaped being hit by a speeding card. Friend has not been paying attention but must respond:
I am sorry to hear that.
*You are in pain, but you still come to facebook:
I slipped in the bathroom and fractured my thigh bone. And somebody immediately presses the Like button.
* Here is a true personal anecdote from my unwritten diary.
Many many years ago I was visiting London. My host took me to a pub. Apparently after some time my mental faculties were not working optimally. I heard him say:
At the time of marriage, she was a virgin.
I demanded: How do you know.
I should know. I am talking about my wife.
(100) A Swami Ji was visiting a town. A rich devotee presented the holy man with a silver platter.
Junior thief stole it and gave the news to his senior.
Senior thief tells him that it is wrong to steal from Sant Mahatmas.
Senior thief takes the junior with him to the Swami Ji. Both touch his feet and sit down
Senior says: Sir, we have an expensive thing with us which we want to give to you, but it does not belong to us.
If it does not belong to you, then I cannot accept it from you.
What should we do?
You should give it back to the owner.
If he refuses to take it?
Then you can keep it.
Thanks you, Sir. They touched the feet of Swami Ji and left.
Here are some original jokes.
(99) A Chambal dacoit surrenders, is rehabilitated, and offered a Hindi film where he is asked to play a dacoit.
During the shooting, the director gets exasperated:
Why are you copying Dilip Kumar. Be your self.
The ex-dacoit responds:
I am being myself. I became a dacoit after watching Gunga Jumna.
(98) A school boy takes his note book to his teacher:
Sir I have written some poems. Please take a look.
Teacher reads the poems and flares up:
What is this? You call it poetry!
The alarmed boy begs; Please give my notebook back. Please don’t tear it.
What will you do with it.
I will keep it. I will publish the poems when I become famous.
(97) A Hindi film actor Kusshar Tapoor goes to a fortune teller;
I am very depressed. I only get bit roles in movies. Even from among them only those movies become popular where I play a dumb character. I wanted to become a hero. But this is what I have got.
The fortune teller soothes him; Do not lose heart. You will become a hero.
But, how and when.
When a biopic is made on Gahul Randhi, you will be cast as hero.
96) As the man is getting ready to leave for office, his wife gave him severe tongue-lashing. Rains have started and children are getting drenched everyday. I have been telling you for the past many days to buy umbrellas but you do not listen.
Throughout the bus ride to office the man was thinking of nothing but umbrellas. As he got up to get down at his stop, without quite realising it he picked up the umbrella standing next to him. The owner of the umbrella, an old lady, glared at him and snatched it.
The man leaves office early, buys four umbrellas, gets into the bus and comes across the umbrella lady of the morning.
She looks at him and his umbrellas and says: So, you had a very good day today.
(95) A competition was held inviting suggestions to avoid in future the flooding of Gurugram. A committee examined all the suggestions and accepted the following for immediate implementation:
(i) Change the name of the city to Shri Gurugram;
(ii) Install a statue of Dronacharya.
(94) In a local cricket match the umpire gives a controversial decision which causes a big uproar. The loudest screaming comes from a woman: Kill him. Kill that bastard.
The man sitting next to her tries to reason with her:
Ma’am. This was a touch-and-go thing. You should give him the benefit of doubt.
The woman cuts him short:
You do not know him. He is my husband.
(93) A man is seriously ill. The wife takes him to the doctor who examines him carefully and asks him to wait outside while he speaks with the wife.
Your husband is very ill. Not only does he need medicine but also love and understanding. Be patient with me. Give him medicine yourself. Spend time with him. Even if he is unreasonable, just smile.
When she comes out the husband asks: What did the doctor say?
He said you are going to die.
(92) There was a single man, in his mid-50s, very handsome, smart and rich. A friend asks him: Why did you not get married?
The man explains:
About 30 years ago I was invited to a dance. By mistake I stepped on a woman’s toes. For ten whole minutes she abused me left and right. THen she looks at me and says:
I am sorry. I thought it was my husband.
There and then I decided I would not get married.
(91) This is a true story.
A man who is working as an event organizer was sent to jail for a month for music copyright infringement.
He sent home a message.
Some influential people are also locked up here. I am building good contacts with them. Do not bother to try to arrange bail for me.
(90) A single man is in the habit of visiting a lady friend every evening for a chat and tea.
His friend tells him: Why don’y you marry her?
In that case where would I go in the evening?
(89) Two friends are chatting late into the night in the house of one of them. Guest says:
If I have a late guest my wife gets very angry.
Host: My wife does not say anything but calls me inside on some pretext.
As if on a cue,the little son arrives; Papa, Mummy says you must come inside and take your medicine.
(88) A man wrote a very polite letter to a friend:
I need 1000 rupees very urgently. Can you please loan me the amount. I shall remain indebted to you for rest of my life.
(87) A man makes a long-distance call through the operator to his friend:
I need 1000 rupees very urgently. Can you give me the money.
I am sorry but the line is not clear. I cannot hear you.
I need 1000 rupees.
I cannot hear you.
At this stage the operator intervenes:
Line is perfectly clear. I can hear everything.
If you can hear him, then give him the money.
(86) A woman spends a few days as house guest with a college-day (girl) friend of hers. When the guest is leaving, the hostess calls out to her little son: Auntie is leaving. Go and kiss her good bye.
I won’t. She will slap me.
Why should she?
Just now she slapped Papa.
(85) A grandson and grandfather are taking a walk. Grandpa tells the boy: I see your school ma’am coming. You better hide, because you did not go to school today.
No Grandpa, YOU hide. Yesterday I told her I have to go to your funeral.
(84) A youngman goes to his best friend for advice:
I love a girl very much. She also loves me deeply. But she is very poor. There is another girl, the only child of an industrialist who has fallen for me. She wants to marry me. I do not know what to do.
Listen, my friend, there is nothing more important than true love. You and this girl love each other. What difference does it make if she is poor.
I guess you are right. Thank you very much.
You are welcome. By the way, what is the name of the other girl you were talking about?
Moral: Do not take advice from a person who can benefit from the situation.
(83) A man goes to a really third-rate restaurant for meals. Here a friend of his from school days is working as a waiter.
Oh God! You work here?
Yeah, but I do not eat here.
(82) Two nuns learnt driving and went out in their car. One tells the other:
You drive and I will pray.
The other says:
Why, you don’t trust my driving?
(81) A business man insures his business against fire. After the paper work is complete he asks the insurance agent:
What would I get if the premises catch fire tonight.
(80) Two businessmen are talking.
One: I got 50 lakh rupees from fire insurance.
Second: I got one crore from flood insurance.
Tell me, how do you start a flood.
(79) Father is looking for an engineering college to admit his son. Father and son drive to a college which however is closed for the day.
Father: The building looks impressive. I do not know how the placement is.
The security guard who has been listening intervenes: Placement is very good. As soon as I passed out I got this job.
(78) Father calls on a boy who is studying in a college located in a far-off village.
Father: I hear water here is very bad.
Son: Yes papa. We first boil the water; then we filter it. Then to be on the safe side we drink only beer.
(77) A young man is transferred to the head office. He arrives with a confidential letter written by his former manager to the new boss: Young man is very capable except for one bad habit. He is very fond of betting.
The new boss: I hear you are very fond of betting. What do you bet on?
Sir, I can bet 500 rupees that you have a birth mark on your right thigh.
Boss: I do not have.
Young man :
The bet stands.
The boss lowers his trousers and the young man is forced to concede that there is indeed no birth mark. He takes out the money and hands it over to the boss.
Gleefully, the new boss writes to the old manager:
The young man laid a bet with me and lost. I think this will cure him of his habit.
The former manager wrote back:
I don’t think so. He took a 1000-rupee bet with me that within five minutes of meeting you he would get you to lower your trousers.
(76) A man is at the barber’s getting a hair cut. The barber tells him:My younger brother was arrested by the police this morning.
We do not make much money from hair cutting. However if the customer asks for a shampoo we do end up earning something. My brother asked a customer if he would like to get his share shampooed. The customer rudely refused.
When my brother still persisted, he became very angry. My brother also lost his temper and attacked him with the razor. The police came and took my brother away.
Any way. Now your hair cut is complete. Would you like a shampoo?
How the mood in Punjab has changed from hope to despondency during the past 50 years can be seen from the following two jokes current then and now.
(75) Neil Armstrong lands at Moon and is stunned to find Russian had landed there a day previously. Both decide to go for a walk together only to find a Punjabi lazing on his cot.
Oh when did YOU come?
We decided to come here at the time of Partition.
(74) American lands at Mars and is stunned to find a Punjabi there. Only, the latter is sitting morosely on his iron trunk.
American exclaims Oh, you are already here.
Travel agent took money saying he would take me to USA, but has dumped me here and vanished.
(73) There is a long queue in front of the gate to heaven of people waiting to complete formalities for entry. Suddenly God sees a turbaned person and rushes to him.
Please come with me. Just sign the form; I will myself fill the details.
This annoys the Pope:
I have been waiting here for an hour and you go and favour aman at the end of the queue.
God explains: Please do not feel offended. Popes come here quite often, but it is the very first time that a member of Punjab Police is coming to heaven.
(72) Christian missionary takes out a five-pound note and says this would go as a reward to the one who answers the question correctly: Who is the most important persion in the world history?
A Jew boy answers: Moses.
No this is not the correct answer. A Muslim boy then responds with Prophet Muhammad. No that is not the correct answer, The question now passes on to a Gujarati boy who enthusiastically answers: Jesus Christ.
That is right. Here is the prize money. I am happy you gave the correct answer but am also a little surprised that you did not say Lord Krishna.
The Gujarati boy carefully folds the note and pockets it:
I know it is Lord Krishna, but five pounds is five pounds.
(71) This is a real-life story.
I was enrolled in a Goethe Institute in Germany for learning German. There was a Greek girl in my class, named Maria. I met another Greek girl who was very pretty and also called Maria.I asked her:
Are all girls in Greece called Maria?
No, only the beautiful ones,
(70) A school boy is in the field batting while his girl friend’s father is the umpire.
Later he tells the girl: I think your father has started liking me. I was lbw twice but he did not give me out.
He knows that when you come out, you will sit by me. So he decided to leave you in the field itself.
(69) A young man who is admitted in a hospital tells the nurse:
I do not want to be all right because I have fallen in love with you.
You will not be. Because the doctor is in love with me and has come to suspect you.
(68) A doctor is invited to a social function, but much to the disappointment of the host does not show up. Later when the host inquired as to what happened, the doctor said:
I could not come because I was held up in the hospital. But I sent you a note saying so. Did you not get it?
We got it all right, but could not read it. I took it to the pharmacist who gave me medicines on its basis.
(67) Four eminent personalities are travelling together in a helicopter: Narendra Modi, Sonia Gandhi, Subramanian Swamy, and Anna Hazare. Suddenly the pilot makes an urgent announcement:
I am sorry, but our engines are failing and the plane will crash. Fortunately we do have four parachutes. Please take one and jump out.
Swamy goes out first declaring: I am the cleverest politician on the earth.
Modi jumps out next, saying: My country needs me.
He is followed by Sonia Gandhi: Without me the Party will be fractured.
Finally, Anna Hazare tells the pilot: Young man, do not worry about me. You take the parachute and jump out.
The pilot replies: Sir there is a parachute for you as well as for me, because the cleverest politician on the earth has jumped out with my umbrella.
(66) A famous stage actor finds shortly before his show that his voice has gone hoarse.
There lives a doctor in the same building. He rings the bell. Doctor’s wife opens the door.
He whispers: Is the doctor home?
She whispers back: He isn’t. Please come in.
(65) A doctor and his wife are taking a walk, when the doctor is heartily greeted by a beautiful voluptuous woman.
How do you know her, the wife demands.
Oh, just professionally.
Whose profession, your or her?
(64) Doctor, I have heard the operation is very risky.
It is risky, but you should not worry. Statistics shows that nine out of ten patients die. My nine patients are already dead.
(63) Doctor, I had gone to another doctor, but he said I had a different disease.
That man does not know anything. It will be proved in post mortem that I am right and he is wrong.
(62) Doctor, Are you sure of the diagnosis. I have heard that sometimes a doctor has treated a patient for pneumonia, but he died of typhoid.
Not in my case. When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia.
(61) Doctor, is my illness serious?
It is, but you should not worry. I also had the same illness once.
But your doctor would have been different.
(60) A Pundit Ji and a Jaat are travelling in a train. Since they are getting bored, they decide to quiz each other. Pundit Ji says : To make the quiz interesting let us put 10 rupees on the question. Jaat says: Pundit Ji, you are a learned man. I am illiterate. I shall pay only five rupees. The learned Pundit agrees.
The Jaat says: Let me ask the first question: Which bird sleeps with one foot on the ground and the other on the tree?
Pundit Ji racks his brain, but finally gives up. I do not know. Here is your ten rupees.
I don’t know either. Here take your five rupees.
(59)A Jaat and a Bania were roommates. Once they cooked kheer. A small bowl full was left over which was kept in the window sill to be given as prize the next morning to the one who got the best dream.
Next morning, Bania goes lyrical. As soon as I slept four beautiful apsaras came , lifted me and brought me out. A plane was waiting which flew us to the heaven. There we were met by Inder Bhagwan who shoed us around. There were beautiful trees, fountains, birds, and what not. What a lovely dream I had!
The Jaat says:
You were lucky. I had a nightmare. As soon as I slept devil came in. He had sword in one hand and hunter in the other. He poked me with the sword and ordered me to get up. When I got up he lashed me with the hunter : Go and eat that kheer.
The Bania understood what was coming. He inspected the kheer bowl and indeed kheer was gone. He says sheepishly: Why did you not call me?
I did. They said you had gone to meet Inder Bhagwan.
(58) A rather unmotivated Ph D scholar comes across advertisement of a big encyclopedia the purchaser of which would have the privilege of three of his questions answered free f charge. He buys the encyclopedia set, condenses his PhD problem in three questions and sends them.
A few weeks later his thesis supervisor calls him:
Some encyclopedia company seems to be interested in your work. When you write your thesis send them a copy. And do it fast.
(57) Three men meet after death and are talking about how they died. One says:
One late evening I was working in my office when I received an anonymous phone call saying that my wife had a visitor. I rushed home, found my wife was asleep. I came to the balcony and saw a man in shorts running on the road. There was a drum in the balcony. I rolled it down. But unfortunately I slipped and fell down.
The second says:
I had been putting on weight. My doctor suggested physical exercise. One day while I was running in the block something fell on my head and I collapsed.
The two then turn towards the third and ask him how he died. He says simply:
I was in that drum.
(56) A press reporter calls on a wealthy man: Sir, we have heard when you came here 20 years ago you were very poor.
When I came here I had just 10 rupees in my pocket. With this money I bought peanuts from the wholesale market and sold them in the street, At the end of the day I had 20 rupees in my pocket.
Next day again I went to the wholesale market and bought peanuts for 20 rupees. By the evening, I had 40 rupees.
The reporter interjects: I understand. That is how you slowly built the capital.
No, no. Then my uncle and his whole family, with whom I was staying, died in a car crash and I took over their business,
(55) An old story re-told.
An orphaned boy is brought up by his Aunt and grows up to be a big shot in a company. Once when he happens to visit the Aunt’s town, he invites her to hift to the hotel for a day or two.
She declines and insists that he spend the night at her place.
During night, she pours some water on his cot. He gets up furious.
The Aunt tells him patiently:
When you were a small kid and slept with me, you wetted the bed. I would then sleep on the wet side and give you the dry side. You then wet that also. Then I slept on the wet bed and put you on myself.
Auntie, you should have bought our company’s diapers.
(54) A man is passing through a town when he remembers that a very old friend of his lived here. He locates the house and is met by the friend’s wife.
He is no more. He passed away six months ago.
One evening I was cooking chicken. I thought I would add some coriander leaves. I asked him to pluck them from the kitchen garden where he was bitten by a snake.
Oh my God. What happened then?
I then cooked the chicken without coriander.
(53) A young man is visiting his fiancee. Her mother tells her: Why don’t you take him to the zoo.
I am not taking him anywhere. If the zoo people want him, they can come and take him.
(52) A young man preens himself and arrives at the house of a girl classmate.He is met by her kid brother who is playing outside.
Is your sister home?
No she has gone out.
Did she say anything?
Not to me. But when she was talking to Mummy, I was listening.
What did she say?
Oh God. Rohit is coming again. Tell him I am going to Aunt’s house and will return very late.
(51) A man walks into a barber shop accompanied by a boy. After his own haircut, he asks the barber to attend to the boy while he goes for cigarettes. When the man does not return, the barber asks the boy: Where has your father gone?
He is not my father. He met me in the street and said: Come with me; I will get you a free hair cut.
50) A guest is expected at tea. Since his nose is very long, the mother spends the whole day warning the children that nobody is to say anything about the guest’s nose. When the guest arrives, the lady asks him sweetly.
What would you like to have in your nose: tea or coffee?
(49) While playing marbles, a boy swallows one and is immediately taken to the hospital. When the doctor comes out of the operation theatre he sees a boy sitting on the bench. The doctor asks the boy:
Is he your brother.
No, but the marble is mine.
(48) The teacher asks a pupil to make a sentence using the pronoun I.
The pupil begins: I is.
Teacher interrupts sharply: Do not say I is. Say I am.
Pupil still persists: I is.
Did I not tell you.Say I am.
Pupil gives up reluctantly. OK. I AM a vowel.
(47) Teacher to a pupil: Why are you not writing like everybody else?
I has no pencil.
Teacher immediately gets into correction mode.
I have no pencil. He has no pencil. She has no pencil. THey have no pencil. We have no pencil.
Pupil is bewildered: Where HAS all the pencils gone?
(45) A man tells his friends: My son asks for 100 rupees every day.
Why does he need so much money.
I do not know. I have never given him any.
(44) A man tells his club circle: I am worried about my son. Last night at dinner table, he says Pass the potatoes. My wife said pointedly: Please pass the potatoes.
I asked for them first.
(43) A boy comes home late. Father asks him why.
Papa, a man on the street lost ten-rupee coin.
But why did it make you late.
No Papa, I was standing with my foot on the coin.
(42) Teacher in a village school is admonishing a senior boy:
You spend two years in every class. You have been in the tenth standard for three years now. I am worried about you. Even if you eventually pass one day what would you do with life.
Sir, do not worry. I will become school master in some village
(41) A college student took up summer job as a mailman. As the vacation came to an end, he called on each household to say goodbye.
A young lady of the house invited him to the bedroom. Later she brought him an ice cream. When the young man was leaving, she gave him a dollar.
What is this?
When I told my husband our mailman would be leaving, we should give him a gift, he said: Sc**w him, give him a dollar. Ice cream was my own idea.
(40) A man tells his office colleague: Our boss goes out for lunch at 1 pm and returns at 3 pm. We can also go home for nice lunch.
As the man is climbing stairs to his apartment, he hears his boss’ voice from inside. He retraces his steps and returns to office.
Next day, his friend says: Let us go home today also for lunch.
I am not going. Yesterday, I almost got caught.
(39) A US-based young man decides to take up a job in Delhi. His manager asks him how he likes it here. I
It is fine except that there is no female company.
The manager: Let me give you apiece of advice. There are many women in [ the up-market suburb] Vasant Vihar who are lonely because there husbands are working all the time. I am sure they would welcome you.
Next Monday, the manager asks how it is going. The young man thanks him.
One Saturday, the manager returns home quite early, only to find the young man in his own house.
You idiot! I said Vasant Vihar, not Vasant Kunj.
(38) A woman is entertaining her boy friend when she hears sounds from outside the door.
Oh, God! My husband has come. You jump out of the window.
But we are on the 13th floor.
Do not be superstitious.Just jump out.
(37)A woman tells her maid servant: I suspect my husband is having an affair with his office secretary.
The made replies: I do not believe you. You are saying this to make me feel jealous.
(36)A man comes home to his apartment and tells his wife. You know the security guard for our building. He says
he has made love to all women in this building except for one.
The wife thinks for a long time and then replies helpfully:
That must be the fat woman who lives on the top floor.
(35) A man on his death bed is very contrite.
Ever since marriage I have made your life miserable. I am now leaving for ever. Please forgive me.
Please do not embarrass me. It is because of these habits of yours that I have poisoned you.
(34) A man was in the habit of taking coffee after dinner. One evening the wife poisoned the coffee.
The judge asks her: Didn’t you feel bad?
I did, for a moment, when he asked for a refill.
(33) A man tells his friend: My wife is very upset with me.
Yesterday when I came back from office she told me her mother would be visiting us.
I said: Good, when is her broom landing.
(32) There are three topics which lend themselves easily for creating
universal jokes: sex, marriage, and George Bush.
There is an international concert organized by children to which all eminent world personalities are invited. A small girl is at the admittance checking the guests in.
Ma’am, may I know your name?
Yes Ma’am, your name is in the list. Please go in.
Sir, your name please?
Yes Sir, you are on the list. Please go in.
She excitedly tells the next man in the queue:
Just now I admitted Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela!
Who is Teresa? Who is Mandela?
Sir, you must be George Bush. Your name is in the list. Please go in.
31) Manager in an IT company addresses his team :
A very important client of ours in town. Unfortunately he is very busy. The only time he has is before his late night flight. So, we shall meet here after dinner.
A young executive says: Sir, I will not be able to come, because my wife is expecting a baby.
The next day the manager asks: Was it a boy or a girl.
It is too early to say. We will know nine months later.
(30) Vice-Chancellor is discussing the budget with the department heads. He turns towards physics head and says:
You are all the time asking for more and more money to buy this and that. Look at the maths people. How nice they are. All they ask for is pencil and eraser. Philosophy people are even nicer. They do not need the eraser even.
(29) Vice-Chancellor is addressing a meeting of the heads of the departments. During the course of speech he says : It would be as easy as saying that two and two MAKES four.
He then turns towards the head of the English department and asks: Or should I say two and two MAKE four.
The English head responds:
I think the best person to answer the question would be the maths head,
(28) A college student meets the Principal in the corridor and says I would like to see you urgently in your office. The Principal says
I ma a very busy man. Each minute of mine is worth 100 dollars. But I will give you five minutes tomorrow morning.
No need, Sir. I would prefer to take the cash.
(27) A resident student goes to the hostel warden with the complaint that his neighbouring boy has stolen his tee-shirt.
What did the tee-shirt look like.
Sir, it was white with a green crocodile on the pocket.
The warden says
I also have such a tee-shirt.
Actually, Sir, two of my tee-shirts are missing.
(26) A man goes to the doctor with a broken head. After dressing, the doctor asks what happened. The man explains:
Twenty years ago, when I was in college, I was travelling by train. There was just one another passenger in the coach, a woman. She said during night: I am feeling cold. I gave her a blanket.
After sometime she says I am still feeling cold. I then gave her my other blanket also.
This morning when I was trying to hammer a nail into the wall for hanging a calendar, I suddenly realized what she meant. I then hit the hammer on my head.
(25) A man dies. When the funeral van is being taken to the cemetery, it hits a tree and the man comes back to life.
Two years later he dies again. When the van neared the tree, the wife tells the driver: Beware of the tree.
(24) A man rings the bell and a man answers.
Please give me some money.
I don’t have any money.
Please give me some food.
I don’t have any food.
Please give me clothes.
I do not have any clothes.
Then what are you doing here. Come with me.
(23) A beggar says: Sir, please give me something. I have not eaten in three days.
Come with me. I will buy you a meal.
The beggar says: I have already eaten three times. If you want to give cash, give; otherwise get lost.
(22) A man sees a beggar in the market.
Were you not earlier at the temple.
I was. Then my daughter got married, and I gave the site to my son-in-law as dowry.
(21) A beggar asking for alms gets a 25 paise coin from aman.
Only 25 paise.
See, when I was a bachelor I could give you a rupee. Then I got married and paid you 50 paise. Now the children are grown up.
The beggar says:
So, you are running your household with my money.
(20) A social worker goes to a slum. Angry noises are coming from inside a hut. He asks the boy sitting outside what is going on.
My father and mother are fighting.
Social worker peeps inside and sees a woman and 3-4 persons shouting and screaming.
Who is your father.
That is what the fight is about.
(19) Father and son are sitting in the airplane. Father looks through the window and exclaims:
See, son, how high we have come. Men look like ants.
Papa, the plane has not yet taken off. These are real ants.
(18) A Punjabi migrates to Canada. His local host reads out an advt to him saying that a rich lady is looking for a handyman for her farm house.
The man goes for an interview but returns empty handed.
I do not know. The interview started very well, but suddenly she got very angry.
She said: The job requires carrying lot of weight. I want to see your biceps.
Then she said: The job would require lot of running around. I want to see your calves.
And then she wanted to see my testimonials.
(17) A cook was being interviewed.
Have you worked before?
Yes Sir, I have worked with several important and rich persons.
Do you have any testimonials?
No Sir, but I have their utensils.
(16) A young man is being interviewed:
We are looking for a responsible person for this job.
Sir, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong I was held responsible.
(15) A young man with big ears appears for an interview. He is asked:
What would happen if your ears are cut off?
I will not be able to see.
My cap is very big and rests on my ears. If ears are not there, it will come down and cover the eyes.
14) A young man with literary bent of mind asks the girl
Do you like Kipling?
I do not know. I have never kippled.
(13) A man goes to his boss in the office and tells him.
Sir, my wife’s brother, his mother and family are all coming to visit us.My wife wants me to take leave for a week.
I am sorry but this will not be possible.
Thank you, Sir. I knew you would not let me down.
(12) A man is walking home very late at night and feels scared while passing a graveyard. He sees a man sitting at the gate and asks him:
Are you not scared?
Why?. I was feeling very stuffy inside the grave. So I thought I will come up for some air.
(11) Two men meet at a party. One says:
I am feeling nervous. My wife is talking to my girl friend.
What a coincidence. I was going to say the same thing.
(10) Newlywed wife brings morning tea for the husband and asks:
Darling, do you love me?
Of course. Now shut up, and let me read the newspaper.
(9) Two young men go to the coffee house and enquire about the rates. Hot coffee costs 5 rupees; cold 10. They order hot coffee. When it arrives, one tells the other:
Drink it quickly. If it gets cold they will charge us double.
8) Two surgeons are talking.
What did you operate him for?
I mean, what did he have?
(7) Here is an original joke.
A conference on secularism was organized in heaven with Akbar as the keynote speaker. A day before the event God asked Akbar about the progress.
Akbar told Him: I have prepared the power point and also taken printouts for distribution.
Good.The keynote will remain in your name but you will not read it.
The God says: Media people tell me you do not look like Akbar. Therefore I have asked Prithvi Raj Kapoor to read it.
(6) A woman telephones the pharmacist in the neighbourhood to ask if he has rat poison.
Yes we have. Should I send it over?
No need. My husband would be stopping on way back from office. Give it to him
(5) A man who had been away for a year finds on return that his wife is pregnant. Greatly upset, he asks which of my friends is it?
The wife gets very angry:
Your friends, your friends. Don’t you think I have friends of my own.
(4) A man comes back home at a late hour. As he opens the door, his wife demands:
Why are you so late.
He switches on the light to find a man sleeping in his bed.
Who is this man?
Don’t change the subject. Why are you late?
(3) A man, who worked as a lion tamer in a circus, went for office party which ended very late. Scared to face the wife’s wrath, he opened the cage and slept besides the lion. In the morning when the wife found he was not home, she came to the circus and saw him sleeping by the side of the lion.
You coward, why did you not come home.
(2) A young man tells his senior colleague:
My wife is very angry with me. I cracked a joke but she got offended.
Tell her it is not what you meant. If she has misunderstood, it is her problem
Sir, do you think this would be the right thing to say.
Of course. I know these things. I have been married three times.
(1) A young man tells his office colleagues during coffee break:
I had a big fight with my wife last night.
Shut up. Everyone has big fights with the life.
Thanks for your understanding. Can you tell me what I should do with the dead body.